As August quickly approaches, I've found myself unable to sleep.
August has always been big month for our family. Every August we would celebrate my youngest brother's birthday, my niece's birthday, our wedding anniversary and my mom's birthday.
This time around, August seems to be giving me anxiety. It'll mark a year since mom passed away. No matter how busy I try to be, no matter how much I try to avoid thinking about it, there's no getting around it. It happened. It's real. And it's confronting me.
I still can't believe that this is my life right now. That my mom is not here how I wish she was. Trying to adjust to this new normal, with a new baby has shown me the true strength that I carry. Watching my mom fight the way she did, was teaching me a lesson the entire time and I didn't understand all the lessons I learned until after she passed. I look back at all that she went through and I know how truly blessed I am. I'm blessed with the same strength my mother had, it's within me. And that strength is going to carry me through every challenge and heart ache I face for the rest of my life.
One challenge that has been tough to get through is moving forward in my career. My mom was my guiding light, my point of reference and my compass when it came to making major decisions and moves in my life. Over the past year, I feel like I've been lost on my journey without her, like I've just been in the dark. I've been searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I keep seeing is little sparks of hope. that seem to quickly dim after a short amount of time. I've been struggling to find that that beam of light that leads me away from this dark, lonely path of mourning and onto a path of true peace and acceptance.
But this weekend gave me hope. I woke up the other day and felt a little lighter. Like I finally saw some light. And not just a little piece of light at the end of a tunnel, it was like a light bulb came on and there it was: A vision, a direction of where to go from here, a sign and a well lit path.
I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I know at times I'm unfair, but in order to be great, I know it's going to take great sacrifice. I'm giving myself a chance to breathe and mourn, but I'm also not giving myself an excuse to give up. I'm beginning to see a bigger purpose within my pain. I'm beginning to understand how everything is falling into place and how patience is key. Embracing all that I have become and all that I have went through over the past year is so important for this season in my life. In the midst of everything, I've had the courage to continue to pursue my purpose and my dreams. And that's something to be proud of. I'm learning to get out of auto pilot and reflect on the things I've been able to do as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife, as a sister, as a niece and as a person. I'm thankful for the strength God has equipped me with and as my compassion continually grows for others going through heartache and shifts in their lives, it's important for me to continue to seek peace and balance and get in tune.
As I walk along my journey, my goal is to be in tune. Not just musically, but throughout every area of my life. I want to be in tune with my feelings, my family, my body, and everything else that has to do with me living a harmonious life.
From now on, that is the goal to continue to create amazing music but also inspire others to turn down the noise, turn up the passion and live a life in harmony.
That same day I woke up enlightened, I headed to the studio with my husband and my baby to finish up a song that has taken me a while to complete. When I got to work, I felt empowered and unstoppable. Listening to the new music and seeing things coming together made me really feel a sense of peace. I still have a long way to go, but I have a feeling that the things that I have to share will bless so many people and I will get the confirmations I need along my journey to be reassured that I'm on the right path.
Stay tuned, as I get in tune...