grief

My Marathon 🏁

2019-04-18 18.47.43.JPG


I've been reflecting a lot over the past couple of weeks, thinking about my path, my marathon, my journey...⁣

The past couple of years have been a shifting season for me in a lot of ways. And I have to admit, I got really overwhelmed. ⁣

I saw the beautiful impact that Ermias Asghedom aka Nipsey Hussle made on the world, during his short time here and it really jolted me. I've been so numb, so disconnected, trying so hard, yet so lost. Lost in Loss. Stuck in Sorrow. Functioning while in a Funk. I went way out of my way to navigate through my grief on my own, but it got too heavy to carry. I haven't been able create music like I've always been able to, it's been like a block in my creative space that's been too heavy for me to remove on my own. So I decided to get some help. Help from someone who was an expert in this type of heavy lifting.⁣

I've been in grief counseling for about 4 weeks now and it's been helping me navigate through the losses I've experienced in my life, specifically the loss of my mother. I'm right in the middle of my counseling sessions and every week I've been getting random messages and comments from people telling me how one of my songs is helping them get through tough times. I'm receiving that as a sign. I know my gifts are important and are needed and it's time to get up and get on a good pace again. It's okay to stumble, it's okay to get tired, it's okay if I fall, but I have to get back up and take one step at a time, I'm here for a reason and so are you! ⁣

I wanted to take the time to encourage those who might be able to connect with me along this journey and let you know that if you never hear it from anybody else that you are important. The gifts and the ideas that you have stirring inside of you are there for a reason. You are needed. You are important. And we need you along this race, this journey, this path. We all have our own ways of navigating our lives but please know that if you ever need someone to walk with you, you are not alone! That's the beauty of social media. Hit me up! I'm here.

Sending love and hugs to anyone who needs one today⁣
#TheMarathonContinues 🏁⁣

Reflection...

Over the past year my life has changed drastically. I've had to operate in a place of protective peace to make it through, but I've come to a point where I have to navigate through this season in my life a lot more present. I've been reflecting on a lot because this month marked a year when life started shifting in a serious way that I was not expecting. And I haven't been able to really open up about it until now. For some reason, I feel like opening up. I think it may be a better way for me to get through this grieving process better. I may be wrong, but I'm willing to give it a try...

In July 2016 my mother's battle against breast cancer took a turn and I was no longer able to call and talk to her. Just writing that made me burst into tears. I haven't talked about this much. I've tried my best to keep all the pain and hurt pushed away somewhere up until now...

Why? Well because in July 2016, I was also 6 months pregnant with my first child. I've never been so torn in my entire life. I was so excited to be a mother and was constantly thinking about my sweet, precious baby boy and I didn't want him to be exposed to such intense sorrow before he even took his first breath. I had a conversation with my mom in June 2016 and she expressed how much she didn't want me to miss out on the joy of becoming a mother because I was so concerned about her. I expressed to her how much she was not a burden and I was going to be okay. She knew that it was impossible for me to not be concerned, but it also another moment for her to teach me a lesson. In that vulnerable moment, she showed me how beautiful, strong & powerful the love of a mother truly is. 

August 29, 2016, my mother passed away. Just 2 weeks after her birthday. Just 5 days after I kissed her goodbye & flew back to LA. I never imagined everything unraveling the way it did. 

My mother was my guiding light. She was full of wisdom and strength and always helped me along my journey. Not only did she do this for me and my brothers, but over this past year I've heard countless stories of how she extended her wisdom and compassion to others as well. She was truly an angel to many people and a light that I just refuse to let go dim. 

I've decided the best way for me to get through the sorrow is to be the reflection of her light. As her daughter, I carry her light through me with great pride.  She wrote a lot and wanted to start a blog but didn't get a chance to, but I will, in honor of my mother, Ileana Watson. 

This is the beginning of a new chapter. It's time.