Over the past year my life has changed drastically. I've had to operate in a place of protective peace to make it through, but I've come to a point where I have to navigate through this season in my life a lot more present. I've been reflecting on a lot because this month marked a year when life started shifting in a serious way that I was not expecting. And I haven't been able to really open up about it until now. For some reason, I feel like opening up. I think it may be a better way for me to get through this grieving process better. I may be wrong, but I'm willing to give it a try...
In July 2016 my mother's battle against breast cancer took a turn and I was no longer able to call and talk to her. Just writing that made me burst into tears. I haven't talked about this much. I've tried my best to keep all the pain and hurt pushed away somewhere up until now...
Why? Well because in July 2016, I was also 6 months pregnant with my first child. I've never been so torn in my entire life. I was so excited to be a mother and was constantly thinking about my sweet, precious baby boy and I didn't want him to be exposed to such intense sorrow before he even took his first breath. I had a conversation with my mom in June 2016 and she expressed how much she didn't want me to miss out on the joy of becoming a mother because I was so concerned about her. I expressed to her how much she was not a burden and I was going to be okay. She knew that it was impossible for me to not be concerned, but it also another moment for her to teach me a lesson. In that vulnerable moment, she showed me how beautiful, strong & powerful the love of a mother truly is.
August 29, 2016, my mother passed away. Just 2 weeks after her birthday. Just 5 days after I kissed her goodbye & flew back to LA. I never imagined everything unraveling the way it did.
My mother was my guiding light. She was full of wisdom and strength and always helped me along my journey. Not only did she do this for me and my brothers, but over this past year I've heard countless stories of how she extended her wisdom and compassion to others as well. She was truly an angel to many people and a light that I just refuse to let go dim.
I've decided the best way for me to get through the sorrow is to be the reflection of her light. As her daughter, I carry her light through me with great pride. She wrote a lot and wanted to start a blog but didn't get a chance to, but I will, in honor of my mother, Ileana Watson.
This is the beginning of a new chapter. It's time.